Friday, January 23, 2009

The Crazy Lady at Subway

Well, I'm no Jared--the poster boy for Subway and weight loss--but I am shamelessly promoting rainy day deals at Subway one crazy outburst at a time.

After attending a Mac class today at the Apple store in a local outdoor mall, I walked past a Subway, and since I had no kids in tow, Subway sounded not only good and healthy, but fast and easy too. (With kids, nothing is "fast and easy" that requires getting out of a car, so Del Taco wins over healthy far too often.)

I ordered my usual, spilled my drink (beside the point for now, but may enhance the story as it unfolds) and sat down to eat at a little table by the window.

There are two things you need to know here. One is the kind of sandwich I ordered, because it will lift your Subway experience to new heights. Two is the fact that I am not a generally contentious and/or loud person. Promise. OK, more on that later.

The Perfect Sandwich: Italian herb cheese bread, turkey, and pepper jack (toasted.) Add: lettuce, tomato, cucumber, green pepper, extra pickles, olives, salt and pepper. Spinach is good, but optional. Sprouts are OK but get a little stringy and may be unappealing for the fainthearted. The sauces, however, are mandatory and they are NOT to be altered as they are the thing that makes the sandwich perfect: Honey mustard, sweet onion, and vinegar (no oil.) No mayo or other sauce substitutes allowed. I did, however add an additional ingredient today that accomplished what I thought was impossible: It IMPROVED upon perfection. So I now also recommend banana peppers. In fact, I insist on them.

Back to the story:

Because my mom was back at my house watching my kids, I decided to also take a Perfect Sandwich home to her. Shortly after I had this thought, I noticed a large decal on the window next to where I was sitting. It caught my eye with the phrase: "Rainy Day Deal: FREE 6-inch SUB." And why wouldn't it catch my eye when it was RAINING outside for the first time in several weeks? It was a little hard to read the details of the deal since they were backwards from the inside, but as it turns out, I'm pretty darn good at reading backwards. I even squatted down to read the *smallest print to make sure the deal applied to me. Everything checked out except one thing. You had to order a 32 oz drink with the first 6-inch sub to get the second sub free. What they had given me with my combo order was the regular 21 oz drink. No problem, I would simply order another larger drink and get my free 6 inch sub. My mom would score a drink with her sandwich, and $1.79 for the drink was far cheaper than another sandwich would have been. It all felt so fortuitous.

So I confidently strolled back up to the counter. I had to wait for a lady ahead of me to place an order for several sandwiches, but good deals tend to make me patient, so it was not a problem at all. When it was my turn, I explained I had just noticed the rainy day deal, and would like to get my free sub. Reasonable enough, right?

"But you already paid for your food."

"Yes, and I only got a 21 oz drink, but I'm happy to pay for a 32 ouncer." (So accommodating, I am.)

"But you already paid for your food."

"Yes." (He had said this already, what exactly was the significance...?)

"Well, I would have had to ring you up differently. I can't give you the deal after the fact."

"But I didn't know about the deal when you rang me up."

"Sorry about that. But there's nothing I can do now."

This is the point at which my internal "that's not fair" alarm sounded, and if you know me well enough, you'll know that the only thing that really gets a razz out of me is injustice. Call me a Libra seeking balance, call me a Blue seeking fairness, or call me the moral police seeking moral justice (my husband does) but nothing makes my blood boil more than injustice. Even if it means a work Saturday for walking off campus in the middle of P.E. because the TA said Kathleen and I hadn't done our push-ups. We had. All of them. Boy style. I am completely offended if someone questions my honor, and I expect people to be equally honorable. Is it really too much to ask? Apparently, in this case, the honorable thing to do would have been to educate me about this deal I was missing out on, because the next thing I said was:

"Well why didn't someone TELL me about the deal when I ordered?"

In retrospect, I do realize this was not their job. I mean, it's not like the carnival where a man dressed in red and white stripes stands outside shouting: Rainy day special, folks, step right up! Free subs for rain. Get 'em while their hot.

But at the time, it seemed so wrong that I should miss out on a deal for pure and simple ignorance.

"Sorry, ma'am. There's nothing I can do."

"Well is there anyone who can do something?" (I was starting to get irrational. I didn't care that the line behind me was piling up and customers were getting antsy, I cared about getting my deal.)

"Just a minute."

At this point he leaves to get someone else but when that someone else appeared on the scene, we got no further.

"I'm sorry ma'am, I don't have the authority to do that for you." 

"May I ask who does?" 

"My boss, but she won't be here for several hours."

I had run out of ideas, and was no closer to a free sub than I had been pre-decal. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I must have processed the fact that if this unjust situation was caused by 'lack of knowledge', I could best restore justice to the situation by spreading knowledge. And who else to share it with, but the line of people behind me?

So I turn around and announce to the line, "Hey everyone. Since it's raining today, you can all get a free 6-inch sub with the purchase of another 6-inch sub and a 32 oz drink! They won't give it to me, so someone should benefit from the deal."
This is where the spilled drink becomes more significant. (Crazy AND clumsy!) Oh yes, and the outfit I happened to be wearing? Camo pants tucked into Ugg boots, a superman baseball hat and a hooded outer coat. It felt cute enough in the Apple store, but in Subway, I'm pretty sure it added to the whole crazy GI Jane effect.

To say blank faces stared back at me would be crediting the expressions too much. They were less than blank. They were faces that not only under-appreciated this important transfer of information, but frankly dismissed me on all levels. They weren't sorry I had been wronged. They weren't elated I had paved the way for them to get free food. They were just glad I wasn't their neighbor.

Then I stepped out of line, returned to my table, and sat facing the workers while I finished my bag of chips as if to say: I'll be watching."

None of the six customers used the rainy day deal in their purchase, in spite of my generous announcement--which shows the level of credibility they had assigned to the crazy customer in camo (last year's fashion incidentally.) And although I sat peaceably eating my chips and sipping my drink after the scene I had caused, the "I know what you did last summer" staring down of the workers who had wronged me probably didn't boost my popularity on the "people who don't freak me out" scale.

And of course, since paying for another sandwich would have given the victory to Subway, I left empty handed, which shortchanged my mom from trying The Perfect Sandwich.

I'll be back to claim that deal the next time it rains. (Just not at that particular Subway, as a girl knows when she's worn out her welcome.)

But what will really make this post worth the space it occupies in the ether-- is if YOU claim that deal, too. Cause in the famous words of GI Joe and this fellow camo comrade, "Knowing is half the battle."

Rainy day special, folks, step right up! Free subs for rain. Get 'em while their hot. Just hope you don't encounter that crazy lady in your line.


Team Biddle said...

Ok, I am laughing my head off....

Ya crazy nut (I think its an inherant SIB trait to be a little nuts!)

Mormishmom said...

This is totally something I would do:) However, I probably wouldn't have left until they gave me the sandwich or called their manager. I'm proud of you for walking away:)

jenerekfamily said...

Hilarious! And as a side note - my husband really DOES look a bit like Jared the Subway guy doesn't he?

merideth said...

you are so funny... if i were too of been in that line i would have maybe clapped and cheered when you yelled out the deal... and maybe then i would have gotten the rainy day deal and then given the extra sandwich to you right in front of their faces.
that would of shown them!!

Hey Maughan said...

OK Jenny that had never occurred to me before...but holy cow yes, he DOES look like Jared! He can be Jared's stunt double if the commercials ever go high adventure.

Audra Bollard said...

I'm dying here Amy! This is so funny. So glad you've recorded this for posterity.

(And I'm backing you up on the banana peppers, delish!).

Liza said...

Go GI Jane! I can picture it all.

Kirbell said...

Ha-ha-ha! Wish I could have been there to see the crazy lady for myself.

byers babes said...

You're hilarious. What a funny story. I'm still laughing about this story. Thanks for sharing.

Nat D said...

Way to try and stick it to the Subway man. Poor kid was probably thinking that minimum wage isn't enough to deal with you in your camo pants. If it makes you feel any better, come by the salon and I'll give you a card filled with coupons, like unlimited 6 inch subs for 2.99. Now that's a DEAL!

corinne and paul said...

Ok, that was SO funny! I can totally picture it all.

Tamara Atkin said...

What other green foods are you totally denying yourself because of your discrimination. I even remember the very first time you tried the green sauce at taco bell. There was a huge deal made about that as well. Remember the B.O. flavored salad from Magic Mt? This all ties into the flavor of your blue cup water. And you think the paints are what makes you crazy?

Anyway, you should have made that kid call his manager. They easily could have voided the transactions and re-rang it up, they just didn't want to. Just a little FYI for the next time someone tries to make you suffer injustice.

Jewels said...

This is my first time reading your blog and you're hilarious. And here is where I have to tell you what my mom would have done. She would have paid for a 32-oz. drink for the next person in line and asked them to order the sandwich for her. And they would've done it because people are afraid of her for some reason. But the best deal would've been to order the $5 foot-long and eaten half, then taken the other half to your mom.

Bennett said...

From MY perspective, Amy, You rock!

By the way, I am so with you on the "perfect sandwich." I had to tell you, as I was reading your recipe, I was nodding along: yes.. yes... yes... yes.. until the green peppers, and then I thought, "No, no, no Amy! Less green peppers, more pepperchinis!" By the end of the first part of the recipe, I was thinking, "So close, Ame, but so far away! No pepperchinis means you just ruined the perfect sandwich!"

And then! Aha! She did it! Hazzah! I didn't LOL, I ChOL (Cheered Out Loud)!


Oh, and I'm sure that to have that kind of sandwich genius requires you to be crazy! If you weren't that kind of crazy, you would've just ordered the cold cut combo on white with lettuce, tomato, American, and mayo, and a 32 oz. Diet Coke. Blech!

Christy Dyer said...

This is sooo funny, and something I totally would attempt to do. I guess it comes from my days of being a poor college/newly wed girl! Go get 'em Amy! I am all for it!

Mike and Shelby said...

I am so sorry for your injustice!!! But enjoyed the laugh myself. I don't see why they didn't just give you the extra sandwich! Come on now! On that note, I will keep that little deal tucked away in my pocket for a rainy day. Thanks for sharing. (Does snow work?)

Kathleen said...

Let me contrast this experience with one I had today at Kohl's. Before Christmas I ordered a talking leap frog globe online from Kohl's. It broke within a few weeks. I contacted Leap Frog and they sent me a new wand which did no good. I kept trying to contact them after that and never got a response. So today when I was in Kohl's, on a whim I asked if there was anything they could do to help me. They said, "Sure, just bring it in." I said, but I don't have a receipt or a box or anything. Plus I bought it 4 months ago. "That's okay, just bring it in and we'll take care of you."
It's all about willingness like you said. I must say that I love this story because it so reminds me of something I would do. I like knowing I'm not the only crazy person out there.

Anonymous said...

I bet you are a total MILF. Your personaility is captivating.